Saturday, April 19, 2008

so i guess i should post an update - even though I really like that when things are over and done with , they are over and done with.

but i'm going to describe it, and get it out of my system, so if you don't want to hear about it, scroll down to the photo. then it's safe.

anyway - i had the "procedure" as the nurses liked to call it (i suspect this is because there were other persons there yesterday to have the "procedure" and they were more the high school types than the miscarrying-mom types. not that i like to judge. i'm just saying. i believe this is why the delicacy-of-term-ness), yesterday afternoon.

they took my blood.

they made me pee in a cup.

they gave me a shot of stadol (statol, whatever, i really have no idea, nor do I care, how to spell it) which I remembered from back in the day when I gave birth to Connor. I did not get an epidural, but i did have an IV drip of this stuff, which totally made me high.

then they gave me this cup full of 6 pills - 2 antibiotics, 2 muscle relaxors, and 2 sedatives. I signed off on the "you might die" sheet, listened to how I would feel some cramping, and then went into the room to ditch my pants and lay down while i waited for the euphoria to set in.

so here's the thing. I started spotting last Sunday. I pretty much knew right away what that meant for me. I grieved, I worried. Went to the doctor on Tuesday and had a pelvic (woo hoo!) and they did the monitor thing and couldn't find a heartbeat although "that is probably just because your uterus is tipped back a little". Uh huh. poor guy. trying to be all nice.

Had the ultrasound Thursday. By this time, i'm cramping. I'm like, in labor cramping. i just want it to go away, or for them to give me some really strong pain killers, which I know they really can't do. but whatever.

the ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. that was 3 weeks ago, today, for me.

so I said, "so how long will it take to all come out?" and then the doctor told me they'd just do a d&c the very next day, and get me all cleaned out. this relieved and alarmed me, as 1) I am a very huge wimp, and 2) i knew it would all be over soon. ( I think I put those in reverse matching order, but you are smart people, you get it)

friday i went in. i waited in the waiting room, all nerves and nausea. craig couldn't go in with me, but he stayed in the waiting room and thought loving thoughts at me the whole time.

back to me, on the bed, having euphoria. So the pills totally kicked in, and the doctor and nurse came in to do the stuff. first they dilated my cervix.

ouch, people. no pap smear will ever compare to the ouch of that. then when that was done, the nurse handed me a little nose-mouth-cover, for the laughing gas, which i happily took and inhaled deeply.

it helped, it really did. but i have to say that i expected more suction and less scraping, and got very much the opposite, and the scraping hurt really really bad - i even think i moaned a couple of times, only to get reassuring noises from doctor and nurse, which did not help at all.

i think the laughing gas was the only thing that kept me from passing out.

but it was fast - just a few minutes. and then I rolled over on my side and they brought craig right in, and let him stay with me for as long as i needed to get up and around and ready to go. which, i think, ended up being a long time. i was in a cold sweat and almost puked the first time i tried to get up, but those darned relaxors kept my muscles from being remotely able to bring anything up again.

i was finally able to get dressed, and then we got the kids (thanks, Betsey), and i think we got my prescription (okay, I mean, i know we did, i just can't remember much of it. that statol is some amazing drug) and then we got home around, i dunno, 5 and I slept until three the next morning.

somewhere in there Robin brought us dinner, and I managed to eat a ton of food, but i dont' think i was really awake for that either.

here's the nice news though -

I'm recovering really, really well. I haven't had to take any of my prescription pain killers, and i'm not cramping at all and i'm not *ahem* very "messy" at all, and although i'm still pretty sleepy, I feel really good today. (don't worry, I am still staying way off my feet).

and also, look what the FedEx guy had left at our door while I was gone. so yesterday? really bad. Today? a lot better.

I'm sad that the maternity clothes i just bought online won't be worn until probably this coming fall/winter (and they're all capris, of course) and I'm sad that we have to try again. but I'm glad the pain is gone, and the wondering, and the worrying. I'm really grateful for my faith and for my amazing, wonderful, indescribable friends who have done way more than I ever needed in order to help me and my family out these last two days.

all in all, i'm pretty blessed. And thanks, Kathy, for the email. It really helped. And I haven't forgotten that you knew the name of the book. I'll make you something awesome. :)


Erin said...

I love you.

Gretchen said...

Oh, Kristen. I'm so very sorry to read this, but I appreciate your outlook on the situation. Good luck! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

Janelle Ehat said...

Kristen you are amazing. So sorry to hear about this, but also so impressed at your faith and strength. You are an inspiration. You'll be in our prayers.

Nikolaus Family said...

Kristen, you are such an amazing person. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all this. Take care - call me if you need ANYTHING!

Angela said...

I wish I lived closer...I am so sorry for your loss. just know your loved and in our thoughts and prayers. love angela

Maxine said...

Really, many warm and loving thoughts being sent your way via I-15! I hope the recovery continues to go well.

Gurgy said...

Big hugs! I just wish I was there to give it in person.


Penelope Crackers said...

Well I couldn't bring myself to read this post until today because it's just been real sad and I wasn't ready for it. I'm glad you are doing better and you have your cereal. I don't like the sound of all that scraping. ouch. Sorry Kris.

Anonymous said...

i want you to know how brave you are to share this story and how much comfort reading it gives to others who have been through similar events. i am so sorry for your loss and wish you the best of luck on the next try.

Emily Falconbridge said...

ugh. is all i can say. and, you are amazing!! xox

Samantha said...

Oh Kristen, I hope you continue to feel good. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs.

Joni said...

I saw your Comic Con dress on Dress a Day (Yay you! Featured on Dress a Day!) and I thought, Hey, I must have missed something, so I scrolled back in your archives until I found this post. I keep trying to think of a good way of saying it, but I am so so sorry that you had to experience this. Like you, I had some difficulty trying to get my 3rd child here, I had a D&C at one point (although mine was done under general anesthesia, so I didn't feel a thing - for which I am grateful), I wish I would have read your post sooner so I could tell you how sorry I am. (Also, I would have warned you that your next period will be way heavy - they didn't tell me that! But I suppose you already know by now.) I did eventually get a gorgeous baby out of it and I hope that you will too, you certainly deserve one.

Probably not doing a very good job of saying what I want to say. I keep wondering what the purpose was, and I think that maybe Heavenly Father was trying to help me learn empathy. So, I just wanted to send some virtual *hugs* to you.