so i guess i should post an update - even though I really like that when things are over and done with , they are over and done with.

but i'm going to describe it, and get it out of my system, so if you don't want to hear about it, scroll down to the photo. then it's safe.

anyway - i had the "procedure" as the nurses liked to call it (i suspect this is because there were other persons there yesterday to have the "procedure" and they were more the high school types than the miscarrying-mom types. not that i like to judge. i'm just saying. i believe this is why the delicacy-of-term-ness), yesterday afternoon.

they took my blood.

they made me pee in a cup.

they gave me a shot of stadol (statol, whatever, i really have no idea, nor do I care, how to spell it) which I remembered from back in the day when I gave birth to Connor. I did not get an epidural, but i did have an IV drip of this stuff, which totally made me high.

then they gave me this cup full of 6 pills - 2 antibiotics, 2 muscle relaxors, and 2 sedatives. I signed off on the "you might die" sheet, listened to how I would feel some cramping, and then went into the room to ditch my pants and lay down while i waited for the euphoria to set in.

so here's the thing. I started spotting last Sunday. I pretty much knew right away what that meant for me. I grieved, I worried. Went to the doctor on Tuesday and had a pelvic (woo hoo!) and they did the monitor thing and couldn't find a heartbeat although "that is probably just because your uterus is tipped back a little". Uh huh. poor guy. trying to be all nice.

Had the ultrasound Thursday. By this time, i'm cramping. I'm like, in labor cramping. i just want it to go away, or for them to give me some really strong pain killers, which I know they really can't do. but whatever.

the ultrasound showed that the baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. that was 3 weeks ago, today, for me.

so I said, "so how long will it take to all come out?" and then the doctor told me they'd just do a d&c the very next day, and get me all cleaned out. this relieved and alarmed me, as 1) I am a very huge wimp, and 2) i knew it would all be over soon. ( I think I put those in reverse matching order, but you are smart people, you get it)

friday i went in. i waited in the waiting room, all nerves and nausea. craig couldn't go in with me, but he stayed in the waiting room and thought loving thoughts at me the whole time.

back to me, on the bed, having euphoria. So the pills totally kicked in, and the doctor and nurse came in to do the stuff. first they dilated my cervix.

ouch, people. no pap smear will ever compare to the ouch of that. then when that was done, the nurse handed me a little nose-mouth-cover, for the laughing gas, which i happily took and inhaled deeply.

it helped, it really did. but i have to say that i expected more suction and less scraping, and got very much the opposite, and the scraping hurt really really bad - i even think i moaned a couple of times, only to get reassuring noises from doctor and nurse, which did not help at all.

i think the laughing gas was the only thing that kept me from passing out.

but it was fast - just a few minutes. and then I rolled over on my side and they brought craig right in, and let him stay with me for as long as i needed to get up and around and ready to go. which, i think, ended up being a long time. i was in a cold sweat and almost puked the first time i tried to get up, but those darned relaxors kept my muscles from being remotely able to bring anything up again.

i was finally able to get dressed, and then we got the kids (thanks, Betsey), and i think we got my prescription (okay, I mean, i know we did, i just can't remember much of it. that statol is some amazing drug) and then we got home around, i dunno, 5 and I slept until three the next morning.

somewhere in there Robin brought us dinner, and I managed to eat a ton of food, but i dont' think i was really awake for that either.

here's the nice news though -

I'm recovering really, really well. I haven't had to take any of my prescription pain killers, and i'm not cramping at all and i'm not *ahem* very "messy" at all, and although i'm still pretty sleepy, I feel really good today. (don't worry, I am still staying way off my feet).


and also, look what the FedEx guy had left at our door while I was gone. so yesterday? really bad. Today? a lot better.

I'm sad that the maternity clothes i just bought online won't be worn until probably this coming fall/winter (and they're all capris, of course) and I'm sad that we have to try again. but I'm glad the pain is gone, and the wondering, and the worrying. I'm really grateful for my faith and for my amazing, wonderful, indescribable friends who have done way more than I ever needed in order to help me and my family out these last two days.

all in all, i'm pretty blessed. And thanks, Kathy, for the email. It really helped. And I haven't forgotten that you knew the name of the book. I'll make you something awesome. :)